right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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