I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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