I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
