If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
