Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
