The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
