I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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