Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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