I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
