"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
