she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
