Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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