Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
