i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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