margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
