I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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