I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
