Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
