I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
