I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
