He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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