fuck your aforementioned shoe
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
