just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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