dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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