I wish I could teleport
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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