somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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