im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
