i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
