New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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