how can u be prego again
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
