btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
