I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I am one with the molecules
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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