HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
