He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
