I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
