I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
