The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
