Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
