Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
