I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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