Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
