I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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