i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
