I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
