I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
