The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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