i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
