I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
