Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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