i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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