Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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